• My Journey

    How I Became A Baker

    For years I made my living as a personal chef, cooking instructor and owner of a prepared dinner business. Taught cooking classes on a variety of subjects, yet for desserts, it was only “Ramekins – Creme Brulee, Flan and Panna Cotta. Birthday cakes were my only foray into scratch baking. Luckily my children never dreamed up anything too crazy, my most ambitious cake was a cookies and cream cake for my middle son. Through prayer and luck the cakes always turned out okay. My epic failure was a Baby Jesus cake I made one year for Christmas when my children were small. Seeking new ways to share the miracle of…

  • Emotional,  Healing,  Mental,  My Journey,  Wellness

    Suddenly My Late 40’s are Here – Now What?

    Turning 47 this past August felt different. Suddenly finding myself standing on the other side of life, firmly planted in my “late 40’s”. All the possibilities that have danced in front of me, goals to achieve, a book to write, living in my purpose, have all taken on a greater sense of urgency. Time no longer luxuriously stretching in front of me. I started asking myself the hard questions, the uncomfortable ones that shine a harsh light back on ourselves. When? When will I stop making excuses and start doing? Stop pushing off all my dreams for another day? Beginning to feel like I’m wasting this precious life. Still believing…

  • Emotional,  Healing,  My Journey,  Wellness

    A Magical Childhood

    The older I get, the more life lived, my gratitude for the childhood I experienced grows. Idyllic comes to mind. Even trying to tone it down, give a realistic view, I reconsider my word choice. Idyllic still stands. I grew up in a safe, suburban neighborhood, walking to school and the pool, riding our bikes and playing endless games of kick the can with our friends. Beautiful old trees lined the streets, houses a mixture of architecture styles, all built in the 1920s. Even now, when driving by and decide to detour down my old street, I’m filled with such happiness. I grew up in a tight-knit family, my two…

  • Emotional,  Healing,  Mental,  My Journey,  Physical,  Wellness

    Doubling Down on Self-Care

    It’s Thursday, two days after Election Day, and still so much confusion about the results. The mail-in ballot volume has been unprecedented and polling stations are not equipped to handle the massive number of votes. Am I the only person out there who can’t settle down, can’t focus? Today Thrive Global and Well & Good both had articles in their daily newsletters about how distracted people are, at least I’m not the only one. Being deeply affected by events out in the world is a relatively new feeling for me. My personal life is so full of ups and downs, always dictated by how my children are doing. Years passed…

  • My Journey

    I Don’t Understand

    Eleven pm on Election Night. Jeff and I have been glued to the TV since about 8:30, watching the early returns. We’re flipping back and forth between channels, MSNBC, Fox and CNN. As the night wears on, the realization dawns – this is not going to be a landslide referendum on Trump. Instead it’s a close race that, inconceivably, Trump might win. And as we begin to digest that terrifying possibility, so do the anchors on the networks. The Fox News panel is gleeful while the reporters on CNN wear stunned expressions. The map of our country, with so much red, breaks my heart. I don’t understand. I voted for…

  • My Journey

    Our First Holiday Together in 4 Years!

    The first time we are home together as a family, celebrating a holiday, since Fall 2016! Yes, there’s a pandemic and trick or treating is cancelled. But they are home, here in our house, hanging out in their rooms, spaces that had waited empty of kids, their voices and mess, for four long years. Like all of our firsts, this one is bittersweet. Mourning all the Halloweens we missed. Picking out their costumes, unable to attend their school parties or parades because of the court order, watching The Great Pumpkin together. Lost memories that we can’t recapture. My second and fourth graders, elementary schoolers when they left my home are…

  • Emotional,  Healing,  My Journey,  Wellness

    It’s Hard Being a Weekend Mama

    I’m a weekend mama who aches for my children every day. I am so tired, so bone tired, of squeezing all my mothering in to these little chunks of time. My kids rarely get irritated with me, or me with them. The painful reason is because we just aren’t together enough to get on each other’s nerves. Or even argue. We all sense that our 6 nights a month are too precious for that. Sadly, I noticed this tendency over the past few years while seeing them 8 hours a week. They intuitively grasped that it wasn’t worth losing any time. During the last several years of public visits, there…

  • My Journey

    It’s a Tuesday and I Get to See My Kids

    Yesterday Dashiell texted me and asked if I could pick him up from work on Tuesday. YES! Despite my regular and repeated offers to his father that I am always available to drive D to work, his dad insists on always driving him. Not sure how I can feel two conflicting emotions so strongly. Immediately happy and elated to see my lovies in the long eight day stretch before they come home again. Yet a little voice in my head reminds me how sad it is being so excited for the tiny scrap thrown my way. Painful feelings, the hurt that comes from inhabiting the fringes of my children’s lives,…

  • Emotional,  Mental,  My Journey,  Physical,  Wellness

    The Toll of Stress on Our Bodies – For Me It Caused Chronic Migraines

    Day two of a migraine triggered by the stress and anxiety I feel when I drop my children back at their fathers. It’s scary to me, I never had migraines until a little over two years ago, when all this heartache over the children and seeing them so little just really began to affect my body. Once my migraines began, in Spring 2018, they took over my life. Each week I would suffer 4-5 days a week, feeling like my world was reduced to intense head pain followed by the brain fog as a migraine subsided only to have a new migraine begin a day or two later. After trying…

  • Emotional,  Healing,  Mental,  My Journey,  Wellness

    How We Handle the Tough Days – Building Connection

    Difficult times in my life have been with issues that aren’t really talked about – alcoholism, domestic abuse and protecting my children from abuse. And because those subjects aren’t exactly topics for polite conversation, I often found myself either pretending to be okay or burrowing deep in my own space. The problem with those two choices is that when I came up out of my foxhole, I was alone. Either because I wouldn’t let people close, or because I had chosen to keep my troubles private. These behaviors, putting on a happy face and isolating, created a vacuum of connection. And the lonelier I became, those habits kept tightening their…